Kittens: The Reckoning

It's really entertaining to watch my mom go out and buy my cat Vinny toys when he doesn't play with any of them. He's a really playful cat though. However, he prefers only the finest of toys, such as milk jug caps, twisty ties, pieces of plastic, cardboard, paper cups, and tin foil. I think my cat and orange kitty are cousins, because they're both extremely artistic.

(I'm going to make a huge post to avoid my homework) I forgot to mention, he loves water. At the same time, he's absolutely baffled by it. If I turn the sink on he just sits there and watch the water go down in awe. Sometimes he bats at it. I don't understand his fascination with the faucet, but I can't help but wonder if he knows something I don't...




Me: Oh Vinny, why are you always staring at the sink? You're so stupid sometimes...

(starts to meow loudly)

Me: Vinny, what the hell are you...WHAT THE...

(lava starts pouring out of the faucet)

Me: Vinny we've got to get the FUCK out of here!

(cat jumps on my back. We run to the car, only to find lava zombies attacking a neighbor’s home)

Vinny: Alex, I’m going to need you to calm down. You’re a crucial part of this mission.

Me: Holy shit you can talk! (Thinks to himself: Am I dreaming?)

Vinny: Yes, I can talk. And no you’re not dreaming. And yes, I can read minds. And yes, I’ve always been able to talk. Sorry for the redundancy, I haven't spoken English in hundreds of years.

Me: Where the FUCK did you come from?

Vinny: Egypt. I’ve been alive for thousands of years, Alex. I traveled to America in the 60’s when I saw a vision of the apocalypse. I had made a vow to never speak out loud, but without me, America has no hope.

Me: What the hell do you plan on doing?! Assuming I’m not dreaming, you’re just a talking fucking cat! You can't defeat whatever the hell those things are!

Vinny: You mean lava zombies? Alex, there will be millions of lava zombies. It will take a lot of good cats, but we can get the job done. But I must gather the cats and inform them of their inner powers, and spread the word to all of America!

Me: Inner powers?! You mean to tell me that cats…

Vinny: Yes, cats were made for a purpose, unlike worthless canines. You see, all cats are invincible to lava, and thus the only chance American has at surviving these fiery monsters.

Me: But cats get run over by cars all the time!

Vinny: Yes, cats die all the time from ordinary things. They’re invincible only to lava. Well, except myself and ...orange kitty.

Me: That retarded cat? You’ve got to be kidding me…

Vinny: He is actually the smartest living creature on the face of the earth. After building the underground Cat Bunker of Impending Doom in hopes of saving the world one day, Orange Kitty realized the only way to mask his incredible intelligence, was to consume nearly toxic levels of opiates every day. Having little to no actually cat instincts, he is incapable of acting like a normal cat. Thus the reason he has to consume almost toxic level amounts of opiates every day, in order to hide his extreme intelligence.

Me: I had a suspicion he did drugs, but I thought he was just a mentally challenged cat…

Vinny: Far from it. He and I were the only cats chosen by God to save the Continental U.S. from this catastrophe…

Me: Wait, what about Hawaii and Alaska?

Vinny: Oh, well cats don’t really like water...soooo, yeah they’re fucked.

Me: Wait if Orange Cat is the brains, then what’s your special ability?

Vinny: Me? Well, not only can I see the future and read minds, but I’m made of a metal-polymer composite 10 million times stronger than steel. That’s why you always see me with such as milk jug caps, twisty ties, pieces of plastic, cardboard, paper cups, and tin foil. It’s the only materials my body can gain nutrition through.

Me: What then, could I possibly have to offer you? How can a mere mortal be a crucial part of this mission?

Vinny: Well, you’ve got to get to Orange Kitty as soon as you can, and for god sakes get him off those opiates. Our future depends on it.

Me: How am I supposed to do that? Like you said, he’s the smartest creature in the entire fucking world! How am I supposed to …

Vinny: Use your large humany arms. He’s not very strong. And besides, he’ll be high as hell, and probably hallucinating.

Me: What about you? Where are you going?

Vinny: I’m going into the depths of the earth, to the Cat Bunker of Impending Doom.

Me: What for?

Vinny: To summon Giant Messiah Kitty.

Oh my god... IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!!!

That was probably the greatest story ever.

I thought about making a video of it, but I feel like it'd be difficult lol. Unless I made it like bad on purpose.

That was amazing. We should definitely make a movie for that and submit it to Tosh.0